mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
