a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
