Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's the barista slut.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm getting married
To pizza
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
