that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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