I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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