my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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