I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
