Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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