I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
