So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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