Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
