cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
