I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
