I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
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All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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