ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
