I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.