one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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