I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
