I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
