Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Randomize
