I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
