dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
