I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
