I just pynch a tree in the face
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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