i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
