Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
