i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
