This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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