i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
