The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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