OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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