I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
