the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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