i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
