Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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