Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
