I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sorry about my life...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
