HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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