We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
