why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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