my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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