When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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