Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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