my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
