Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
