Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize