Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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