you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
