If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
