I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
