Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
