fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
