I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize