Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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