Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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