i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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