I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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