Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
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there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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