i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
