Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
