You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Randomize
